Underestimating ourselves

My freind is pregnant and planning to give birth at one of our fab local midwife led units. She has worked and kept active throughout her pregnancy and her baby looks like he is the perfect size for her. He's already lying head down and in the "optimal position" for birth. She's made some good choices to maximise her chances of everything going well on the day -attending classes, learning some self hypnosis techniques. But she told me last week she's worried that everything has gone so well she's bound to need a caesarean or something. It's as if she's saying there is a limited amount of luck and good fortune in the world and she's had her fair share.

This doubt came after a visit to her midwife who made a comment about her stature -she is very small framed. What is going on here? Why did her midwife feel the need to share her own doubt with this woman who now has negative feelings about her beautiful body. This "what if" culture is very damaging as it makes us underestimate our capabilities.

I'm an adult and so I'm not supposed to think like a child. But we all know that children respond really well to praise and encouragemnt -I do too -sorry if that's childish. 

When I was training to be a midwife my mentor, a very expereinced midwife, told me to try to say something complementary or affirming to every woman I met. Sometimes this was a challenge but there was always something to pick out, and I could almost feel the women relaxing and allowing themselves a moment of pride. I don't think there's enough of that going on in the world.

In labour women respond so well to compliments and affirmation too. I often suggest to partners in my classes to tell their woman how beautiful she looks in birth. This is an idea from Ina May Gaskin, american midwife and author -who claims womens cervixes dilate more easily if they are complimented like this. I can believe it -I've tried it and it seems to work to me.

So if my freind is too small framed to birth her baby what will happen?. Her pelvis will open and stretch in a very impressive way. Her baby will be able to mould his head and move in that fantastic birth dance mothers and babies can do. Hopefully her midwife on the day will be wise and help her to use her body optimally, to move and stretch, and circle her hips, relax and let her hormones flow. If she really can't birth her baby with all this going on then her labour will need help and she has doctors who could help her -she will be safe and her baby will be safe. Why don't we all assume that she will be able to do it though -as woman have done for millions of years -a sucessful species hardly on the verge of extinction. 

I also hope her birth midwife will believe in her, will have time to work with her, rubbing her back if she needs it, holding her hand, surrounding her with confidence and care, protecting her from noise and bright lights and intrusion. Midwives in the NHS are amazing women themselves. They have so many responsibilities to juggle and yet many of them still manage to maintain an air of calm, concentration and devotion to the woman they are with. 

I only work for odd days in the NHS. I'm not able to cope with the demands my NHS sisters have on their time, energy and attention. I wonder if her midwife is feeling loved, supported and respected? Somehow I doubt it as I don't think a strong woman could have let a comment like that slip out. Midwives need a culture of positivity building around them so that they can be the best they can be, can enthuse and support and empower.

My freind has started saying a new mantra today. It's from Natal Hypnotherapy -she's been listening to the CDs and it jumped out at her as being particularly relevant this week. She has decided that there is a protective forcefield around her and her baby so that negative thoughts, images and stories simply bounce off, leaving her and her baby unaffected. I like her style.